Bernice Three Column

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Silly Saturday - Time for Fun and Laughs - September 29, 2013


I'm feeling real silly, so let's get laughing!

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.  Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency Landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. 

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, “Esther, did we pay our Visa and Master Card bill yet?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”

“Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send the installment check for the IRS this quarter?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, Abe,” begged Esther. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, “What was that for?”

Abe answers, “They’ll find us!”


...In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!

Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.

Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10) You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3) You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8) But return with Jack Daniels. (-5)

PROTECTIVE DUTIES
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1) You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0) You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5) You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10) It’s her pet Schnauzer. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1) You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2) Named Tina (-10) Tina is a dancer. (-10) Tina has implants. (-40)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it’s not a sports bar. (+3) Okay, it’s a sports bar. (-2) And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3) It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It’s called ‘Death Cop.’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15) You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10) You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30) You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-80)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
You give any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2) You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50) You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500) She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)





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4 comments:

  1. Thats an ouch, oops, embarrassing moment.

    Thanks for Silly Saturday!!
    Come and share your blog>> Weekends Are Fun

    ReplyDelete
  2. Here's a joke my uncle told me the other day. There's this lady who's married but she wants to have her husband killed. So she hires this guy named Artie to kill her husband. Artie says its going to be $5,000 for the service. The woman says she only has a dollar now, but once her husband's life insurance comes through, she can pay him the rest. Artie agrees to it.
    The woman's husband works at the Safeway grocery store. So Artie goes down to the store and waits around until the husband is all alone, and then he jumps on the guy and starts choking him. But the guy is stronger than he looks and he isn't passing out or anything. Then the manager comes in and asks what's going on, and Artie panics and jumps on the manager and starts choking him too! Meanwhile someone calls the cops, and they come down and arrest Artie.
    At the police station, Artie is feeling like an idiot for going along with this whole thing and only getting a dollar out of it, so he decides to tell the police the whole story.
    The next day in the newspaper, the headline reads, "Artie chokes 2 for $1.00 at Safeway!"

    Uh... get it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, that's good! Thank you for adding it.

      Danielle

      Delete
  3. I like your big questions. I think I might ask my husband all the time if I look fat,LOL!

    ReplyDelete

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