Bernice Three Column

Friday, January 24, 2014

Silly Saturday - January 25, 2014


Are you cold?

It's as cold as... "A brass toilet in an outhouse in Alaska!"
— WABC New York viewer Jenny Tozzi 

"So cold, I saw Superman in a cab."
— ABC7 Chicago viewer Phil Gayden 

"The devil got under my covers and told me to keep him warm cuz hell had frozen over."
— ABC7 Chicago viewer Ivan Ibarra 

"Good tanning weather! *insert sarcasm here*"
— ABC7 Chicago viewer Janina Rocio Sandoval 

"It's so cold I just saw a teenager with their pants pulled up!"
— ABC11 viewer Stan Donna Smith 

"It's so cold that tomorrow is canceled."
— ABC11 viewer Bryan Lassiter 

"It's so cold that I saw two beagles with jumper cables trying to get a rabbit started."
— ABC11 viewer Don Currie 

"The morning weather map for the eastern half of the U.S. looked like an algebra worksheet — lots of small, negative numbers."
— AP reporter Ray Henry 



Here are some that never get old: 

It's so cold that... 

"...hitchhikers are holding up pictures of thumbs."

"...the optician is giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses." 

"...pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm." 

"...I chipped a tooth on my soup!" 

"...if you want to hear what someone is saying, you have to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire."



The Definitive Guide to Temperatures in Minnesota (public domain)

60 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Minnesota plant gardens.

50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Duluth sunbathe.

40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won’t start.
People in Minnesota drive with the windows down.

32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Bemidji gets thicker.

20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero:
People in Miami all die.
Minnesotans close the windows.

10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico .
People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.

25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Minnesota let the dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Minnesotans get upset because they can’t start the Mini-Van.

460 below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale.)
People in Minnesota start saying...”Cold ‘nuff fer ya?”

500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.



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3 comments:

  1. well you know that one joke where the guy says if it's my family from Arizona I don't want to talk to them... WELL DITTO HERE!!! You giving us all the snow jokes while you're probably laying out getting a tan! SHEESH! bwahahahahahahaha

    ReplyDelete
  2. Where from Northeastern Iowa 40 miles from Minn everything you posted is true! Yeah we all laugh. I don't even wear a jacket unless it is -degrees

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don';t know where you managed to find all of these jokes, but I was smiling and laughing as I read them. I like Superman in a cab and the algebraic equation map the best.

    ReplyDelete

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